On the last day of the feast, the Great Day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirst, let him come to me and drink.”

John 7: 37

This past year my husband and I talked about how we need to get back on our feet. I recently told my husband that I have not been feeling myself lately. I feel like I just don’t fit in this world and that I was feeling empty.

Friday, around 3am, I woke up and couldn’t sleep so I started scrolling through Instagram. I came across things that made me worry about my daughter’s future. Things that I knew wasn’t right according to God’s words and that it was going to be a norm in my daughter’s future. Funny thing is, my husband coincidentally woke up at around the same time. I was feeling stuffy so I slept downstairs and my husband upstairs. The reason he woke up and came downstairs was that he felt like there was something wrong and asked me if I was doing alright. I told my husband I don’t know if it was the sadness of hearing about the struggle of my first church, the fear of my daughter’s future or that we had a budget to keep again.

The craziest thing was that on Sunday morning my husband and I wanted to go watch Bad Boys 3 but couldn’t because we didn’t have a babysitter. God definitely knew we had no more excuses so I believe He convicted my husband to say “let’s go to church today.” Of course we arrived late because we’re Hmong but it was the perfect timing. God knew my heart and my struggle that the sermon was shared as if it was meant for me.

Does our hearts give us joy?

No

  1. Sorrow- Psalm 13:2
  2. Trouble- Psalm 25: 17 & Psalm 40:12
  3. Anguish- Psalm 38:8 & Psalm 55:4
  4. War- Psalm 55: 21
  5. Injustice- Psalm 58: 2
  6. Perverse- Proverbs 17: 20
  7. Blight- Psalm 102:4
  8. Wounded- Psalm 109:22
  9. Anxious- Proverbs 12:25
  10. Bitterness- Proverbs 14:10
  11. Deceit- Proverbs 36:24

Basically, the reason I can never fill up my cup find is because it is filled with unpleasant things. For example, once someone hurts me I become bitter causing my heart to be clouded with deceit or trouble. The one reality check was that these emotions can affect other people. The unpleasant things can hurt them, turn them to be bitter or drive them away.

The funniest thing about the sermon was that it felt like a test to see how stressed or depressed I was. If it was a real test I know I would have definitely gotten 11 out of 11. Afterwards it hit me that I am not only hurting myself but all those who try to help or want to help me.

How can I improve if I won’t move?

I know that I have mentioned this in one of my post before and it isn’t an excuse to have me keep acting the way that I am. The only thing is that I keep getting reminded about my negative behavior and I am not doing anything about it. How can I change myself? Here is a list of what I have come up with to support change.

  • Talk to someone about my feelings
  • Write a list of words to practice encouraging
  • Read the Bible more
  • Forgive people
  • Stop taking everything personally.

Overall, I am so thankful for my husband who has been doing great things for our mental health. He allows me to find time for myself while he makes time for himself and our family. I don’t know what else God has in store for me but I am looking forward to learning more of what He wants from me.

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